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The Pitcher

I’ve written this piece about PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) that comes from different circumstances, can be moderate to severe, and affects the lives of the individuals and their family members alike.

Maria Pisciotta-DellaPorte ©2017 All Rights Reserved

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The pitcher was full—

 

A sturdy, well-shaped, clear glass allowed for an unobstructed view of fruit. —Tart lemon and lime, sweet orange, refreshing mint. A carving etched along its side said something about its personality, where it comes from, or what it believes.

 

The effortless flow of liquid between frozen cubes, splashing into a craving glass, served satisfaction. —Cheers!

 

Its handle was a comfortable, secure grip.

 

A mid-afternoon excursion out side to the patio, and it was placed sturdily onto a wrought-iron table fused by our dear-departed grandfather.

 

Overall, life, once like steel and easy grips, presented a solid foundation.

 

The surrounding grass was greener than it had ever been due to April showers that became May and June’s endless rain.  It was now a blazing hot July.

 

The birds visiting managed a subtle humming, as opposed to a full clattering song.

Soothing was preferred over cheerful.

 

Someone had been through war, the sort in which you don’t choose your battles, but rather they choose you; and now the time has come that it is over.

 

The remaining soul is propped perfectly back into normalcy, beneath a sky that knows no difference, or of dreadful particulars that one experiences before implosion.

 

Feeling without solid ground beneath their feet, traumatized and raw; It made all good intentions by those that cared to walk them around town, pointing out the friendly neighborhood ice-cream store, boasting of the sun shining poetically in the sky, or of joyfulness expressed by boys and girls passing on bicycles, —fruitless.

 

They earnestly wanted to enjoy, pleasing us by being happy, but every desire for them to be was rather interpreted as painful expectation, fear of disappointing, pressure to be part of a past way of life, that not unlike a dream, could be recalled vividly, however not lived.

 

Their intention to settle down and truly come home, not to simply exist like a plaid chair’s reliable comfort in the living room, or a candle halfway burned down, exposing its wick atop the mantle, was sincere

 

But everything was different now:

 

The bicycle sounds triggered alarm. The ice-cream store reminded them of their brother who was killed. The sun’s glare hurt their wounded eyes. Joyful boys and girls created longing for innocence they’d never again behold.  Too many sticks and stones!

 

The stench of death, while trying to save lives, in many instances their own, remained available to recall.  Chaos swarmed like bees around their queen.

 

A toll was taken upon the strongest warriors causing an impact of fragility.

—A tulip, emerged in the tenderness of spring, deceived and exposed wickedly to frost.

 

Sad, afraid, and stuck— how they want to jump but simply cannot!

 

You need to remember for them, to remind them of love—like their mother’s apron with stains of butter and sweet jams.

 

Be the wife that caresses his torn-up feet, the husband that kisses the salt of her tears in hope of capturing his smiling bride.

 

For those the world looks immensely different to, who suffer desperately wanting to be home in their hearts, but fear a landmine—compassion,

 

like strings building tempo in an orchestra—tries and understands the melody of confusion that riddles the soul—patience.  No limit on time that has stopped, and left creatures of a fragmented past.

 

The pitcher has been shattered, it’s true, but the thirst and recipe remains—

 

The below video has been inserted as it speaks volumes to me along the lines of the words I’ve written.

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A country, wood-screen door, says to me, “Welcome Home!”

 

Family. Friends. Husband. Children. Dog wagging its tail, cat resting on a windowsill.

 

Upon leaving, it says, “All is well. I shall return.”

 

It is capable of smiling for us in any color: red, white, blue, green… In any season…

A natural wreath for spring, pinecones for winter.

 

Peace is its complement to us, captured in breezes that flow effortlessly, through its gracious ventilation. The scent of honeysuckles, or lilacs coming inside; a freshly baked pie drifting outward to a neighbor who might stop by for coffee.

The home is cream and sugar—

 

I want to hear the harmonious squeak, music to my ears, as people come or go, embrace the joy in the sound of wood hitting its base to close.

 

The contentment of my heart—

 

Soft, or scampering footsteps follow onto the planks of a porch.

 

We’ll swing and gather lemonade dreams. Look-upon a wildflower garden while bees buzz daisies for nectar.

 

The sun shines a memory of our nurturing mother’s humming; her floral-cotton hem. The shade from surrounding trees is our father’s whistle, his protection—though we need not any here—

barefoot and free.

 

-Maria Pisciotta-DellaPorte ©2017 All Rights Reserved

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I swear, it’s all true…

 

I hold the whole world in my heart.

And sometimes, I just want to run, and let it all flood-out.

Breathe in the sum of everything, all at once.

 

Set you free!

 

Paint the lives in my path: red, yellow, green…

Leave something memorable,

to those otherwise blinded.

 

So many words, yet I can’t explain,

furious-wind blowing in my brain.

 

Hear, hear, hear, you…

But you can’t feel a thing.

 I’ve been lighting fires everywhere waiting.

Falling into capture.

Can’t escape it. You know that I can’t.

You can’t…

 

Too many sticks and stones in all these years.

Shattered dreams, but hope remains.

 

One day, I know you’ll recall

all that I may have forgotten along the way,

 

but surely it will be too late. I’ll be a memory by then.

A star in the sky to wish upon.

 

Only don’t expect I’ll answer.

Rather—feel me emerge, a tingle on your skin,

from a humid breeze, or scent of seaweed.

 

The realization I am gone. Your pieces gathered-inside.

 

Hear, hear, hear, you…

But you can’t feel a thing. 

I’ve been lighting fires everywhere waiting.

Falling into capture.

Can’t escape it. You know that I can’t.

You can’t…

 

Remember the day the world was dancing?

Neither can I. But wouldn’t it have been nice?

 

When you pray –

Imagine me thankful, in a pink summer-dress,

with a spinning hula-hoop that cries,

 

heart beating quickly in excitement—

 

Going to jump-free into a parallel-universe

that shines!

Kiss minty-trees, like tall, leafy, men with answers.

 

God and I will celebrate the wanton chaos behind us,

drink wine, move effortlessly to the Psychedelic Furs,

 

a full moon in our grasp.

 

Hear, hear, hear, you…

But you can’t feel a thing.

I’ve been lighting fires everywhere waiting.

Falling into capture.

Can’t escape it. You know that I can’t.

You can’t…

Maria Pisciotta-DellaPorte ©2017 All Rights Reserved

Edits and Advice

Can someone on WordPress please advise me if there is a way of republishing an older post with edits, as opposed to this way. Thank you.

Below edited version:

https://dellymari.wordpress.com/2017/04/01/i-miss-her/

Edit – Sum of Pieces

https://dellymari.wordpress.com/2017/05/20/a-sum-of-pieces/

Sum of Pieces

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The computation of pieces together and undone,

find sustainable consequence.

This palpable heart—thinking…

Yet, no more or less important than the caterpillar.

Been searching

the beauty in what breaks-apart:

glass, world, stories, images in a kaleidoscope…

Always imagining the dynamics, as a whole, being perfectly suitable.

The focus predominantly on gathering-up,

reassembling what was…

Meanwhile, the fuzzy yellow creature without a spine,

slinks the bark of a tree, and I’m not sure that he thinks,

especially of me.

I ask, is it not the most frightening thing to find

your foundation is quicksand?

Take life—It has infinite possibilities in which to crumble.

I have seen the fragments, rolling frantically like marbles, those lovely,

equivocal streaks of color speeding towards chaos!

As I now pause,

learn to embrace the inevitable impact, allow for the parting of ways;

Fall-apart,

and in-love with the immense offerings presented by the indefinite.

The continuous evolution becoming-one with breaking-to-bits.

Each particle: a new universe,

eye for seeing death as its rightful birth.

Journeying the sum of something—with or without meaning—a part.

(Reflection in a still river questions, “What is tangible?”)

In the beginning is God—

We, the caterpillar and I, you, the sun, a rose…

are in the intentions.

Acceptance

the peace within pieces.

Maria Pisciotta-DellaPorte ©2017 All Rights Reserved

 

Mother’s Day

 

I believe the greatest complement that I could give to my mother is that I’ve spent my life trying to replica her. Thank you, mother, for being every beautiful thing that you taught me. I love you. The connection is eternal. As for my daughter, I am grateful everyday, and thank God for the opportunity to be your mother. I love you. I hope that you will replica all of the good, and become better than any flaws. Someday in your child’s eyes I know you will see me, and feel the abundance of love through which we are all connected, mother and child, one maternal heart.

 

-Maria Pisciotta-DellaPorte © 2017

 

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I miss her

frangipani-white-flowers

I miss her—

 

She escaped quietly—a shadow in the shade.

 

Light blues, frolicsome pinks, yellow-mood,

turned,

painful-ash-bones without a song of their own.

 

Delicately, and distant, dancing-treble-keys,

the sound of her heart infused in my memory.

 

Summer-air-breezes, youthful hope, catch courageous dreams.

 

A finely curved silhouette, through the corner of my eye an awakening,

She is there, frangipani-white-flowers, adrift, yesterday’s easier spirit.

 

Oh, the distance we have traveled on empty…

 

I want to capture the powerful freedom in her,

like a butterfly does feminine nectar,

conquer the darkness, implore her—

don’t give-in to fear and wither.

 

If you dare—

Let me disappear with you, jump inside,

and kiss you on the mouth!

 

Resuscitate life in her soul,

 

and like a storm approaching, remind her of me.

 

Maria Pisciotta-DellaPorte ©2017 All Rights Reserved

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At what point do you completely lose your mind from not sleeping? It’s been many months. At first it was insomnia, and I’ve heard others suffering from it as well, for one reason or another. Then I decided I would try a new mattress to see if it would help. It was not necessarily in my budget at the moment but I figured I work hard enough and deserve a good night’s sleep. I thought there’s financing. Maybe it was a remedy, at least in part. This was decided after sixteen years on a beautiful, luscious, Kingsdown bed, the Rolls Royce of mattresses that had finally given in somewhat on one side. In retrospect I wish I’d kept my old reliable mattress even with its hip indent. After all it was my perfectly comfortable-uncomfortable hip indent that took sixteen years to form perfectly around my curves. Still, I set out on a mission.

By suggestion of the salesperson I ended up in an all memory-foam Serta-iComfort bed. It certainly was a downgrade from what I was accustomed to, but with big dreams of sinking into a deep slumber, I took the salesperson’s advise. That was bed number one returned by way of a one-hundred-night-comfort guarantee because I figure I definitely work too hard to have to haul myself from a ditch-like sinkhole each time I roll over in my sleep. Let’s just say I have bad memories of memory foam!

The next salesperson on the floor eagerly showed me a combination bed of coils and memory foam. It’s the newest in bedding technology. I’ve learned that they are phasing-out coil. Take it from my aching-back this is a bad phase! Bed number two was returned on the same one-hundred-night-comfort guarantee but now with the, “Good luck lady we don’t want to see you around here again, clause!”

The manager was in when I chose bed number three. He wasn’t long on patience for me. He explained to me while I perused the bed selection for the third time that the new bed I was choosing on my own without sales associate influence, that happened to be coil (I’m keen on coil) and with a lovely pillow-top, was unacceptable because it was less in price. I was unfortunately married into meeting the same price or higher. After bouncing from bed to bed like, The Princess and the Pea, with a story similar to, The Three Bears…This bed is too hard, this bed is too soft, this bed isn’t in my price range… Anthony, the sales guy gave-up and went to help someone else. He left me with another, “Just as unhappy and sleepy lady,” to decide, along with her husband dragging his heels, as if through memory foam through the store, while we searched for true pleasure in bed, i.e., comfortable sleep!

This lady that had quickly become my best-bed-buddy, and I, laid on different beds together, intimately, side-by-side facing one another weighing in on our feelings about their cushioning, support, “rollability” (we made that term-up to describe rolling over without so much effort that your groin and lower back should have to go out) and at the same time we snickered about Anthony.
Together, we decided that the, Laura Ashley organic cotton all foam bed, but a different type of foam without memory (it doesn’t allow you to sink), was heavenly! Meanwhile, her husband decided we were both crazy. He also decided it was too expensive for them to purchase, unlike Anthony who liked it very much for me because it was an upgrade in price, and he suddenly became interested in me and my detailed description about bed comfort again.

My best-bed-buddy left and wished me a good night’s sleep. I miss her as I lay here awake at 2:00, 3:00, 4:00 a.m. in the morning, still uncomfortable, and thinking of my $4,100 finance stress, and of Anthony, and how he may react to me walking through the door complaining again. I dream of my old bed when I can sleep, of how it cradled me in coils of happiness.

I think like Dorothy now, “If ever I go searching for my heart’s desire, I won’t look further than my own backyard,” or hip indent in this case. Zzzzz…

Maria Pisciotta-DellaPorte ©2017 All Rights Reserved

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Heroes

 

5th-dimensional-creation

The world in all its insanity has grown a certain silence amidst chaos. If you listen it’s there distinctly: Vacancy. God has escaped us.

 

I feel the chill of my skin-aware on a dark morning, sky trying to merge into itself, attempting to revive so many empty eyes, old and young, the collective aching bones and weary hearts.

 

We’ve driven out the light of grace for ego. Now you are my God, and I am yours – our only hope.

 

Oh the stories we tell to save ourselves, pretend: We are not afraid… I am not afraid… Like children lost in the woods.

 

The things we teach as truth to encourage fortitude that we might reach a means to an end follow crumbs, not to be at that fork of realization in the road alone. Only that profound emptiness is the only truth, and we must meet ourselves there eventually.

 

The only freedom that exists is to come eye to eye with your soul. Cut it like wood, an exposed nerve, and let it bleed to full exposure. Every drop of cruel ugliness, bits of purity trapped alive in the mix.  Love it all like a star sets fire to the sky, until you can scream: I don’t feel anything anymore!

 

Then you can fall through the vortex of time. Feel the vibration of blood circulating throughout the world, and the loud gong of the universe reverberating in every cell.

 

Forgive it all — bring God back to life. Together become heroes.

 

Maria Pisciotta-DellaPorte ©2017 All Rights Reserved